Smarphones: II

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Smartphones: I

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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And what if Jesus...

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Guardian Angel

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Easy English....

Mas olha só que coisa mais fácil, I'm beasted!

Easy English....

TÃO SIMPLES E AINDA TEM GENTE QUE SE ENROLA COM ESSA LÍNGUA...

Visando facilitar o seu desenvolvimento intelectual, enviamos um curso de inglês rápido e fácil.

Em questão de minutos, você estará em ponto de bala para conversar com qualquer pessoa, no idioma inglês.

1 - Módulo básico:

Três bruxas olham três relógios Swatch. Qual bruxa olha qual relógio?

      

E agora em inglês:

Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch  watch?

      

2 - Módulo avançado:

Três bruxas travestidas olham os botões de três relógios Swatch. Qual bruxa travestida olha os botões de qual relógio Swatch?

Agora tudo em inglês e em voz alta:

Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watch which Swatch watch switch?

50 Shadows of...

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Pulled Over

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a
woman passed over a  bridge only to find a cop with a
radar gun on the other side lying in  wait. The cop
pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that
classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?" 

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what
do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.


The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And
just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

" Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger,
then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then
four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to
side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot
asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a
bridge." she responded.

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on Cop's face.......... PRICELESS

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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How Countries Deal with Problems

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Three Wishes

Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the genie. The Canadian says,'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. The muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,  'Fill it with water.’ Source/Fonte: Received by email Image/Imagem: Google Images Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable) Is it your copyright? Please see here.

Rubbish Collector

A rubbish collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie  bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks, but there's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"Gidday, mate!  "Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, Where's your wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and  whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

Car Horn

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Airport Warning TEL AVIV, Israel

TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

It's an armured booth you step into, that will not X-ray you but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling.

It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

"Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London . Shalom!"

BRILLIANT -

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A  Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated  him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf.  That was the  reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido  would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in  court.

When  the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he  takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The  Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The  lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the  money?"

Guido  signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." 

The lawyer tells  the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are  talking  about."

The  Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him  again or I'll kill him!"

The  lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell  him."

Guido  trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,  buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The  Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The  lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the  trigger."

Don't you just love Lawyers !!!

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Some days are bad...Others...

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Monday Funnies

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated

but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."


The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

 

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.  What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the fu***ng thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

 

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"

"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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You won't find these at next door's drugstore...

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till
they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..Can we get
naked now?.

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him.

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Shingles

yup - they just get worse.......

 

Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices

like an assembly line?  Here's what happened to Bubba:

He walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. 

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. 

He said,"Shingles".

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. 

He said, "Shingles".

So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, took his blood pressure, an electrocardiogram,

and told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. 

He said, "Shingles." 

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck.  Where do you want them?"

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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The Invasion of Britain

The Royal Navy intercepts four muslims in a row boat, rowing towards Brighton.  "An officer gets on the loudhailer and asks where they are heading and if they require assistance. One of the Muslims stands up and shouts, "We are invading England !" The crew of the warship starts laughing and the officer gets back on the loud hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"  - - - - - - LOL - - - - - - LOL The  Muslim stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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English on NY's streets...and many other places... LOL

Para quem gosta de estudar Inglês de maneira rápida e eficiente.   Quando você faz um curso de inglês convencional você aprende a falar  inglês almofadinha que só serve para se comunicar com os PhD da vida, e olha lá.

O negócio é aprender a falar nas ruas de New York.  Se você não pode pagar
uma viagem a New York, então recomendamos seguir estas curtas indicações
fonéticas.   Garantimos absoluto sucesso na sua comunicação com os nativos.
Eles entenderão direitinho o que você quer dizer.

a.. Se você quer uma Coca-Cola, diga:

- GUIMI A COUC.

b.. Se você quer comer uns ovos com presunto, diga:

- RAM AN EGGS.

c.. Se você prende o dedo na porta do táxi, grite:

- FOC!

d.. Se algo lhe parece muito caro, diga:

- FOC!

e.. Se levar um escorregão no metrô, diga:

- FOC!

f.. Se você for assaltado no Bronx, diga:

- FOC!

g.. Se você dá de cara com um mulherão tipo Kim Bassinger, diga:

- UARA FOC!

h.. Se alguém lhe grita algo que contenha FOC, responda:

- FOQUIU TU.

i.. Se você perde seu passaporte, chame a policia e diga:

- AI LOST MAI FOQUIN PEIPERS.

j.. Se você se perder na cidade, grite:

- AI AM FOQUIN LOST.

k.. Quando se referir a uma terceira pessoa, outro sujeito, diga:

- DE FOQUIN GAI OVERDER.

l.. Se está a fim de transar com aquela morena espetacular, diga-lhe:

- AI UANA FOC WIT YU.

m.. Se está a fim de transar com aquela loira espetacular,  diga-lhe:

- RELOU, CAN AI FOQUIU?

n.. Se não souber onde pegar um táxi, pergunte:

- RAO TU GUET A FOQUIN CAB?

o.. Se estiver muito chateado não diga REFOC, somente repita  FOC várias
vezes.

p.. Se perceber que alguém está querendo fazer gozação com você, pergunte:

- ARYU FOQUIN MI?

Se estas instruções não lhe servirem .  - uat da foc yu uant?

GORIT ????

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Translation/Tradução: Heinz Claudius (when applicable)

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Have you ever had your hubby going shopping with you?

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